Changes
Mood:  a-ok
Time and past time for changes. Thoughts, actions, deeds, and the way life is lived. hmmm, anyone know where the nearest talk show is?


Just kidding on the talk show part. Wow, where to start where to start. The last couple days have been a time for me to do some serious thinking. I have had to look deep inside myself and answer some questions, to question what is there. Who am I and what do I want? Can I really be who I am and want the things I want? What happens when those things clash and are at odds with each other, which side of me wins the battle? Which side loses? What do I need to do, what should I do, what can I do? It has been a rough time for me, but I do think that I know many of the answers and what I feel needs to be done. Lets start at the top and work our way through this.


Who am I? I can look back on my life and see who I have been and what I have not been. There is one consistant thing about me. I have been a protector. I have lived my life to protect others regardless of what happens to me. I have been around so many people that have been hurt that I have taken it upon myself to sacrafise myself to help them. There have been women from time to time that I would have liked to invite on a date, or get to know better, or anything like that, but they have been so hurt by guys in the past that I have always been running in a safe mode. I did the same thing with Cat and I know that it frustrated her, but this goes beyond Cat. I make decisions based on how safe and helpful it will be to the other person, not what might be best to help her and I grow closer, either as friends or soemthing beyond. Of all the things in my life this is one of the hardest things to admit to, and would be one of the hardest things to change about myself if I wanted to change it. So, do I want to change it? The answer to that question is YES! There are things that i would like to do, or to try, but I haven't been able to do them because I am afraid of what might happen. I let the "what if's" and the risks get to me. I have been afraid of many things, such as drinking. Until just a few months ago I had never drank any achohol because I am afraid of what might happen if I drank and got drunk. I was afraid that I might be like my grandfather and turn violent, but what if I mellow out some and just let myself lose some of the stress? Without ever trying to find out I just shut myself off from it. I have already began working on this one, talking with one friend who has agreed to take me out drinking one night and being the driver, to allow me to enjoy myself and see what might happen. I'm not sure what will happen, but I need to find out through experience. I have avoided doing things by myself, more so in the last few years then before because I have been afraid to get out there and do something that might get me noticed by other people. Got tired of doing things solo so I stopped. That is jsut hurting me. I have made a small circle of friends and then keep wearing them out because I am only doing things with them. To help solve this one I am making plans to do things, then letting everyone else know what I am doing. If they want to come or can come fine, if not then I will be going by myself. I will be going bowling, shooting pool, and to the movies in the near future. As of right now I have only invited others to join me with the bowling.


So now, where does that leave what I want? Lets list some of the things that I want. I want to lose some weight, want to hang out with other people and do things, I would like to have someone that I can care for and that cares for me. Lets leave it at that for right now and go through them. I want to lose weight. Yeah, I know, I have been on this one for many, many years and have not done a good job on it. It is soemthing that I will continue to work on for a long time, but until I finally can make myself buckle down and do it, and keep it off, it will be something that I will be battling for a long time. I know what must be done to help me lose weight and I need to start doing those things. Now getting out with other people and finding someone to date or have a long term relationship with, that may be a little harder. The getting out and doing things part is going to take me doing the things I said above, actually getting off my butt and doing things. I will be doing some things, but I need to get myself to where it is just something that comes natually to me, not something that I have to put effort into doing. The dating issue will come about because I am doing other things, so it will take longer. I will work on it though.


Lets see, what else can I write about. Things with work (both of them) are goign well. No complaints about them right now, though I wish I had a little longer break froom the school. I have been getting more sleep lately, though having some really late nights recently has cut into my sleeping. My apartment is cleaned, the floor is vacuumed, dishes cleaned. I need to wash the tub and sink in the bathroom and clean up the washroom a bit, but otherwise my apartment is looking good. I am proud of myself for getting the place like it is. Only a few weeks left in 2004. I will be starting to post my resolutions for 2005 in a couple weeks. Take care and have a good day/night.