More thoughts
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: My station at yahoo music
Ok, this should be interesting. I have been doing a lot of thinking, on my own or what other people have said to me in general conversations. One of these conversations brought me to this thought. When I moved from Arizona to Florida I left behind many friends (my words) and someone recently told me not to think of it like leaving one set of friends but instead think of it as gaining new friends. I would like to think of it this way, I really would, but it is hard. I could list here all the friends that I have made since I moved to Florida. Almost that entire list would also make up a list of the friends I've made here that i am no longer in contact with. The friendships I make here don't seem to be lasting. I don't know if it is me, them, or just the way things are. All of this just makes it easier for me to realize that Florida is not where I belong. I am currently doing the things I need to in order to get a teaching certificate in Illinois. If I was able to get a job there this fall I would take it and move right away. As it is I do not thing that I will be able to move until the summer of 2006 or 2007. There are some days when I am ready to get in my car and just leave, and there are days when I would like to stay here longer and try to make everything work out, though those days are coming less and less often. At the point I am at this very moment (that I write this) I am ready to move. I know that I can not move to Illinois without having things together to get a job there, but I am ready to move, be it to Illinois or back to Arizona. At this time the only things that are stopping me from moving is the lack of money to make a cross-country move and the lack of a job at the end of the move. I will be trying hard to save up what money I can so that I can make such a move next summer and will be working harder to get a job lined up in Illinois for the 2006-2007 school year. Once those two things are taken care of I will be moving. It is no longer a maybe on moving like it was when I first moved here, it is now I will move, it is just a matter of when. That is all the thoughts for now. more at a later date and time.

thoughts
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: nothing at this time
Tomorrow after I get off work I hope to make a post on here about some more thoughts I have had. This is a good place for me to just let my mind run free and post the things that have been going on in my head. Come back and take a look. Can't promise it will be good, but it ought to be interesting.

Thoughts about my life
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Ian Van Dahl
I had a scare and I came through it ok, but not unscathed. I gave blood at the end of December and a few weeks later I got a letter from the blood bank stating that my blood tested positive for the hepatitus b core antibody, which means that I either am, or was, infected with hepatitus b. I went to my doctor and she ordered various blood tests, all of which came back negative, which means that I am not, nor ever have been, infected. This is very good news and better then what I thought the results might come back as (I thought that they would show that I had it but was no longer infected).

This whole thing gave me reason to think about my life and the way I do (or don't do) things. I had sex one time with one girl and four years later I got a big scare from this. One mistake. One problem. Where do I go from here? I don't have sex now and I do not think I will ever have sex until I am married. Will I ever get married? I don't know. At the moment that I am writting this entry I do not feel much like dating anyone for a long time. I have very few friends where I am living, and I rarely hang out with those friends. Between work and feeling tired all the time I don't get out much to meet new people. Do I want to date? Right now, I don't think I do. I know that I have problems within myself that I have to work out before I can begin to start dating again. This could take a long time but I am ok with that. I HAVE to get msyelf together before I worry about anyone else.

When all is said and done I can only blame myself for my problems. It seems that almost everything that has happened to me has been because of something I have done. There are some times when I wish I could blame someone else (a person, the president, the government, anyone) for my problems, but when I really look at the problems I usually only find my own fingerprints. This is a good thing in a way though because I know that if I stop making mistakes and messing my own life up then it should get better, at least that is my theory. I have yet to find a way to avoid the mistakes, but I will continue to work on it.

2005 Resolutions
Mood:  a-ok
Here are my resolutions for the new year.

I resolve to do five things during the coming year (2005):

1) No more Sweets
2) No more fast food or Pizza
3) Lose weight
4) Private - I will reveal what this was after I accomplish it
5) Private - I will reveal what this was after I accomplish it
6) Improve my self-esteem

There are 6 of them this year, one more then last year. I think that Numbers 1 and 2 will be a little difficult, but that I will succeed. Number 3 will be a fairly easy one to accomplish. Number 6 will be rough and I hope that I can do it. Numbers 4 and 5 are both private ones. I am telling no one what they are until after I accomplish them, though I hope that it won't take long to do either. Neither is really something that is going to improve me, but I think that they both will help me get a better understanding of myself and who I am. Feel free to respond to the resolutions and let me know what you think about them.

I hope that you have a Happy Yule, a Merry Christmas, and a Wonderful New Year.

Hello again
Mood:  a-ok
It has been a couple days, but I am back again.

The last couple days have been eventful for me. Most of it good, which is very nice. On monday I was able to weigh myself on a scale, the first time in over a year. I weighed in at 159.5 kg, or about 352 pounds. very nice. I have also been able to do some meditation which is helping to clear my mind a little. That, combined with the writing I am doing is helping me to get a better control of myself and my emotions. I have already been able to focus on the reitual I would like to do for myself in a few weeks. I do not know what all will happen, but I hope to have my notebooks filled or nearly filled before Yule and the celebrations that go with it. A time is coming when things will be changing, me along with them. I do not know what the future has in store after that, but I think that the ride towards it will be fun.

I am about to begin my day at work. I will write more some other time. Have a good day everyone.

Mood:  down
I am continuing on with my little project. I have over 10 pages written and hope to have over 100 written withing a few weeks. the pages are being written double sided but I am skipping lines.

Lets see, what else can I write about here? Besides the usual crap that goes on in life today was actually an ok day. Hopefully soon I will be hacing actual good days, though I don't know when that might happen. Here is something I posted elsewhere that might help explain a little about why I am so down right now.

I used to really love this time of the year. For me it was about more then Yule, Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, whatever-you-want-to-celebrate. It was about life, living, and all things good. I would always be out with friends or at a party or doing something to celebrate. But, things have changed since that time and for me it has turned into just another time of year. There isn't any excitement left in it for me, though this year I am trying to make some. I bought a tree and some decorations to put up. I am planning on celebrating both Yule and Christmas with other people. I am trying to take control of my life so that I can once again enjoy this time of year.

As this year ends and next year begins I know that I will be feeling better. I just have to get through this month first. I am heading to bed now so this it is. I will write more later.

just an update
Mood:  down
Today I am going to start working on something. This will take up all my non-existant free time and some of my un-free time. I don't know if I will ever post what I am working on, or if anyone will ever see it but me, but I must start on it. Have a good day everyone.

Changes on here
Mood:  a-ok
Over the next few weeks my posts on here may be smaller than I would like. I plan to do a lot of writing in a paper journal between now and Yule. I have something that I would like to do and I don't know if I can do it or not, but I am going to give it a big try. It involves many changes in my life and I must see this through. I hope everyone is ok out there and I'll write more later.

I'm just a post
Mood:  a-ok
Yes I'm only a post and I'm sitting here on Capital Hill.


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Changes
Mood:  a-ok
Time and past time for changes. Thoughts, actions, deeds, and the way life is lived. hmmm, anyone know where the nearest talk show is?


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